Dear Baby Gil,  Health,  Life Events

Quarantine Thought Dump | Week One

March 15-22, 2020

A lot of people are starting journals, but I can type way faster than I can write these days, so more than ever, this will be a journal of these weird, long days (weeks?). I’m finding peace in just writing. I find myself going down these thought rabbit holes, and genuinely want to be able to look back and see how these concerns of mine ended up and the end of whenever this is. And, if you are feeling these thoughts, hopefully you can feel solidarity in that you’re not alone in this.

I keep wondering what type of effects this will have on overall health. Personally, it’s already been hard to get motivated to work out. I knew it wouldn’t be easy because this is 100% the reason why I thrive at OrangeTheory. It was only day one and I said to Rudy “now I understand more than ever why people pay a lot of money in order to be threatened by another $12 charge if they miss.” It’s hard to find time to exercise with G around during my normal lunchtime exercise time. I feel like nap time needs to be dedicated to real work since that’s about half of my total workday time anyways (the other half is two hours before she wakes up). Then by 4pm I’m so not feeling it. I am trying to keep my 4 weekdays, and one weekend day workouts going by including a lot more running. Luckily, they haven’t banned outdoor exercise yet. YET.

On top of the struggle to exercise, we bought so many non-perishable items for our house that we don’t normally have. I had some better self control on Monday, but last night I ate Oreos, and bread from Canadian Bakin’ (’cause support local, right?) and this morning I had two bowls of Lucky Charms. I know I feel better when I eat better, but it’s hard to avoid all these not so healthy snackies.

Somehow, I have managed to get in a 6 mile run on Saturdays, which seems like my sanity saver right now. I never want to go, but I’m always really, really glad when I get back. I guess there shouldn’t be an excuse right? Because it’s not like we don’t have the time….

I can’t understand why people aren’t doing what they are told. As an Enneagram 1 I am a major rule follower. I understand everyone isn’t built like me, but dang does it make me mad that some people are just living life like nothing is happening. For the people who are doing what we are supposed to, it’s infuriating that some people are “above” the rest of us and won’t just stay home. My favorite quote so far about this is, “your grandparents were called to war, you have been called to sit on your couch. you can do this.” Seriously, stop it.

I keep wondering what this end result of small business life will be. I’m a small business owner, and a lot of my friends are too. My dad owns a little pharmacy. Small business life is already tough, but the uncertainty of the future is the real killer. I am personally struggling to support other small businesses that I really want to buy from… but, with my own income uncertain, its hard to spend money on unnecessary things and food.

On the topic of money, I go down this lonngggg blackhole of the domino effect of us not ever going back to school this year, but then requesting to not pay for it. How will our teachers get paid and feed themselves? What about the coaches that kick my butt every week? My gym membership is frozen. How do they buy groceries? I don’t want to pay for things I’m not using anymore than the next person, but if it meant someone else not being able to pay for their necessities… would I do it anyways?

My heart continues to break daily for the people who have big life events coming and going without being able to celebrate. I am sad for my two (for now) brides that have moved their weddings to fall. But I’m heartbroken for the graduates whose graduations are pending, those who are getting engaged without being able to share with their grandparents and even for those elderly people who are dying without being able to have proper funerals to pay respect. I think about it at least once an hour, and it’s sobering. My Paw Paw will be 85 on Sunday and it pains me to not be able to see him!

I have already become a little more of a hoarder… of weird things like baggies from foods. Will this thing make us more frugal like people from the Depression era? I’m not saying this is a bad thing. It’s definitely not for us. But I don’t really enjoy hoarding baggies from the flour tortillas we just finished up.

My biggest rabbit hole is a giant struggle about how crazy I want to be about this whole thing. I went in my car to take our laundry to Rudy’s parents (our washer broke on the first Monday of quarantine, yayyyy) on Saturday and I grabbed their mail on the way inside. I immediately thought… should I spray this with lysol? Are you spraying your groceries? Your mail? your MONEY? I mean seriously… I had a gum container in my car well before this whole shindig started… is it contaminated from before I even knew about all this?! Ugh.

Rudy did get our washer fixed, though, so that’s a huge stressor removed from our previous week. We certainly were not looking forward to the thought of forking over money for a new one.

Here’s what I have found out about myself in this first week of quarantine. I guess I already knew it a little bit, but it became really obvious after being with myself and my little family all week. I definitely have an OCD-ish personality. I don’t mean I have to have my shoes 3 inches apart like Danny Tanner or something, but the more I do of something, the more I want to do it. Or the more I don’t do something, the more I don’t want to do it.

Like this week I was determined to get my new website done. I worked in every spare minute, and late nights. I wanted it done! Then it was done on Friday… and I felt equally excited and sad because I was finished. Once I decide to do something, I’m all in. But, once I decide to NOT do something… I’ll just want to keep not doing it. So because of this, I’m terrified to get even a little lazy. Once, I start staying up late, or taking naps or breaking the routine I’m likely to just keep wanting to NOT do things after this is over. It takes like 30 days to start a new habit… but I swear it can be broken in a few days.

Next, I love a good routine. LOVE. IT. I even made us a whole new cute little chart to follow to help Gemma find her new normal here at home during the weekdays. But I discovered this week that not knowing that there’s any upcoming break in the routine is almost worse than not having a routine at all. I have always thought that the people who pave interstates like 65 have some sort of higher mental power than the rest of us. Because you’re paving this road right…? And then you pave, and pave and pave then you get done! YAY. And by the time you are finished paving it, you pretty much have to just go back and start over because it took so freaking long! I couldn’t imagine doing the same thing, day after day with no end in sight.

On Friday night, I couldn’t help but cry. Everything is just so freaking heavy right now. Luckily, I’ve got a super mentally strong dude stuck here with me. He told me “We made through 5 days. And we will make through the next 5. And then the 5 after that.” Thankfully, we broke the routine for the weekend. We stayed in bed late, and we ate at weird times, and we cleaned hard and big and we made our favorite enchiladas.

I’m feeling ready to take on week 2 tonight. Get back in the routine, and try to stay off my phone a little bit more this week. My screentime was up 31% last week. Yeeeesh. Now, if the good Lord could just give us a little break with the weather… little G has got to get outside and burn some energy this week! I think we will have to take a drive at some point this week to get some different scenery. I know of families who are ordering Chick-fil-a and then eating it in their car. (Although, this takes me down the whole “how much do I sanitize” rabbit hole…. because what about the bag? and the sauce? and the nugget containers…? See what I mean?)

I do hope you’re doing okay. And I’d love to hear from you on 1. how are you staying sane? 2. how are you avoiding cabin fever? 3. if you have toddlers, how are you getting their energy out with all this RAIN?!

Hopefully I’ll check in next week. Seems like I’ll probably have the time. 😉

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